There’s a new book out called Don’t Be Yourself: Why Authenticity Is Overrated (and What to Do Instead). I read a review of it in the Harvard Business Review. The premise? That authentic leadership isn’t just overrated—it’s potentially damaging to leaders themselves.
I’ll admit, the contrarian in me was intrigued. After all, we’ve been told for years that authenticity is the gold standard of leadership. But here’s what I’ve learned from years of working with leaders—and from my own painful journey: the book is both right and wrong.
The Leadership Template That Nearly Broke Me
For years, I tried to be the leader I thought I was supposed to be. More extroverted. Harder. Less fuzzy, less soft. I’d catch myself caring deeply about my team and beat myself up for it. That’s not what strong leaders do, I told myself. Strong leaders are what organisations want – they’re decisive, tough, uncompromising. They don’t let the people side of things get in the way of the job.
So I tried. I pushed myself to be more assertive, more conflict-ready, more “present” in every meeting. I tried to make decisions quickly without overthinking the impact on individuals. I attempted to project an image of the confident, extroverted, no-nonsense leader I saw celebrated everywhere.
The result? I was exhausted. Completely drained from the performance. And worse—I was mediocre at best. I couldn’t do “hard and extroverted” well enough to be good at it. The energy I poured into trying to be someone else left nothing for the things I was actually excellent at: building trust, creating collaborative environments, seeing the connections between people and strategy, and making thoughtful decisions that considered multiple perspectives.
I was trying to be traditionally “good” at leadership and ending up averagely adequate. Meanwhile, my actual strengths sat unused.
The False Binary That Traps Leaders
This is where I personally feel the authenticity debate gets it wrong on both sides.
Yes, pure unfiltered authenticity can be damaging. If a leader’s natural tendency is to avoid conflict, being “authentically me” would mean never having difficult conversations. If they’re naturally direct, unleashing that without filter would be destructive. The book’s right about that.
But the alternative—conforming to a predetermined leadership template—is just as problematic. It’s exhausting, unconvincing, and ultimately ineffective. You end up average at someone else’s strengths while neglecting your own.
Both extremes make you a worse leader. Both leave you less effective than you could be. I know this isn’t what the book advocates, but the bold headline runs the risk of being read that way.
What Actually Works: Filtered Authenticity
The breakthrough for me came when I stopped asking “how do I become a different kind of leader?” and started asking “how do I become a better version of the leader I actually am?”
This isn’t about being unfiltered. It’s about being intentional.
I didn’t stop caring about my team—I made sure that care didn’t become avoidance of necessary tough decisions. I didn’t magically become extroverted—I learned to speak up earlier or more directly. I didn’t eliminate my collaborative instincts—I was careful they didn’t slide into endless consensus-seeking that bogged us down.
I identified what needed dialing down—the rough edges that got in my way. And I identified what needed dialing up—the strengths I was under-using. Then I put my energy where it mattered: doing my things excellently rather than trying to do someone else’s things adequately.
This is the work I now do with leaders using tools like DISC. It’s about understanding your natural strengths and tendencies, recognising where they serve you and where they don’t, and making intentional choices about how you show up. Not performing a role. Not suppressing who you are. But managing how you express yourself for maximum effectiveness.
The Real Problem: The Leadership Stereotype
Susan Cain’s work on introverted leadership captures this perfectly. For decades, we’ve operated with a narrow definition of what leadership looks like—and it’s almost always extroverted, assertive, commanding. Quiet leaders have exhausted themselves trying to be loud. Collaborative leaders have forced themselves to be more directive. Thoughtful leaders have pushed themselves to decide faster.
And in doing so, they’ve made themselves less effective. They’ve abandoned their actual strengths in pursuit of someone else’s. I’m not knocking that more direct, assertive, decisive form of leadership. I’m just saying it’s not the only kind, and if it’s not yours, then you don’t have to fake it.
The tragedy isn’t just personal—it’s organisational. When every leader tries to fit the same mould, we lose the diversity of leadership styles that makes teams and organisations resilient. We lose the introverted leaders who listen deeply. We lose the collaborative leaders who build genuine buy-in. We lose the careful thinkers who spot the problems everyone else missed. And on the flip-side, we risk losing the risk-takers, the leaders who drive delivery and the ones who press us all forward.
Different leadership styles can all be effective. Introverted or extroverted. Collaborative or decisive. Strategic or operational. The question isn’t which style is right—it’s whether you’re being intentional about how you deploy your particular style.
Making It Real
So what does filtered authenticity look like in practice?
It starts with self-awareness. What are your natural strengths? Where do you add unique value? Those are the things you should be doing excellently, not adequately. Double down on them. DISC or Myers Briggs assessments can be particularly effective at helping us identify them – and helping us understand they don’t come naturally to everyone else. What we have is ours, unique and special.
Then ask: where do my natural tendencies get in my way? Not “what’s wrong with me” but “what gets less effective results than I want?” For me, it was caring so much about team harmony that I delayed difficult conversations. The solution wasn’t to stop caring—it was to care enough about people to have those conversations earlier. To change my mindset from protection to growth and empowerment.
Finally: what does “better” look like? Not “what would a different leader do” but “what would a more effective version of me do?” Better means more effective at achieving the outcomes that matter. Nothing more, nothing less. What one, two or three things can I do differently that still align with my style and values and get the results I’m missing.
This is leadership development that works with who you are, not against it. It acknowledges that you’ll never be excellent at being someone else—so why waste the energy trying?
Effectiveness Over Performance
So is authentic leadership overrated? Only if we confuse authenticity with being unfiltered. Only if we think “be yourself” means “impose all your rough edges on others without thought.”
Real authentic leadership isn’t about being unfiltered. It’s about being intentional about which parts of yourself you bring forward and when. It’s about managing your rough edges while leaning into your genuine strengths. It’s about spending your energy on being excellent at what you do well, rather than mediocre at what the leadership myth says you should do.
Stop performing leadership. Stop exhausting yourself trying to be someone you’re not. Instead, become the most effective version of the leader you actually are.
Authentic leadership isn’t about being unfiltered—it’s about being intentional about which parts of yourself you bring forward and when.
To have a chat about how coaching with us could help dial up your effective authenticity, book a call with Rebecca and see where the conversation takes you.
